What if...?

Today, as I was saying my goodbyes to people in the present agency for it was my last working day there, the thought of ‘what if’ dawned on me. As it is today being the last day, I was too over-whelmed with emotions and then this thought. All through my way back home, this played on in my mind. 

What if I had not veered from what I was doing? What if I had stayed put in CA and never questioned the uneasiness that was there all along in my heart? What if I had just been okay and made it my comfort zone somehow? What if I was a fickle heart and averse to taking risks? What if I had listened to the world and thought I was too dumb to be changing professions? What if I had never listened to my heart?

These are some of the things I could instantly think of:

·      I would never have seen the best year of my life yet. 2007. I quit CA, joined CAT coaching and a gym. Lost about 15 kilos, didn’t make it to CAT, yes. But, this year gave me confidence and memories that I still go back to and get motivated from. There has been no year like that so far

·      I would never have seen the worst year of my life yet. 2008. I was clueless on career path, had met some really messy people, lost a very dear uncle, some health issues. This year made me what I am today. Now, given any crappy situation, I think about that period and instantly feel better. Because that really was worse and if I could survive those, I am much better now. Whatever the situation be

·       I would never have thought of studying again. Hence I would never have joined the PG course and would never have met some really good people in college and in internship

·       I would never have stumbled upon advertising. And that would have been really sad. Because, this profession gave me a home, friends and brought out the crazy side of me. I just thank my stars for this reason. I would never have met some of the people who are now really close friends. Infact, all my close friends are from advertising and just a handful from my CA days. It seems I had to meet them through this route and it was all planned

·       I would have been older then. Not wiser. Which I am now

·       I would have been married by now, decent job and all that. Wouldn’t have been a bad situation at all considering I want it now as well. My choices, attitude and thinking, though, have gone sea change and the confident me that looks at me in the mirror is not the same reflection I ever have seen before. I know a decision I take now will make much more sense to me and my family than it would have then, a few years back

·       Most importantly, I would not have had experiences. Good, bad, ugly. Whatever. But looking back, I would not trade them for anything. They have made me stronger and awesome (yes, awesome is how I always describe myself!)

This journey from 2007 till date has been a continuous roller-coaster ride. One that has been thrilling and chilling at the same time. Not that life would not have been nice then but it is very exciting now and I am much more happy and content than I was then. So!

And, this journey, my dearies, makes the destination immaterial. I do not know where I want to be but I for sure know that I would not have embarked on this if I had not gotten down at the platform to take a break and seen the beauty outside! 

A night like this.

Usually, on my way back home at nights in the office cab, my mind is pre-occupied with many many things. I put on the earplugs and music as soon as the cab starts. That time of about 45 minutes is my time always. I avoid making calls that time. And occasionally check Facebook. But more or less, that time is mine. And more often than not, as soon as the music is tuned in, memories of people, some nice times and some things good, bad and ugly flood my head. Those 45 minutes are not just me and music. There are memories too. Sometimes, I am thinking about the missed chances and sometimes, close escapes. 

However, tonight it was different. Pleasant weather with cool breeze, an overcast sky with a sporadic appearance by moon from behind the thick blanket of gray clouds, air-conditioning off in the cab, windows rolled down, music plugged in. And then, I felt one with nothing and no one but myself. I felt alone but not lonely. In those moments, I was actually living in them. Suddenly there was nothing to drain my brain. No good, bad and ugly. Nothing. The thoughts were positive. I was thankful. There was hope. Hope for the new leaves that shall be turning in soon. Hope for something better. 

Infact, music too seemed fading away in the background. It was as if I was flowing and blending seamlessly in the fast changing landscape around me, from one flyover to another, from one lane to another crossing.

I have never felt so over-whelmed with feelings that I am still to name, like I did tonight. I knew I had to treasure this night. For those nights when I may not feel this hopeful or life may not be upto the mark. I knew I had to stash this night away for eternity, in my memory. I knew this night had to be chronicled because it was one of a kind for me. 

And that is how the quietness of this night looked.

Nothing explains the feelings more beautifully than this:

Night, the beloved. Night, when words fade and things come alive. When the destructive analysis of day is done, and all that is truly important becomes whole and sound again. When man reassembles his fragmentary self and grows with the calm of a tree. (Antoine de Saint-Exupery)

P. S I knew I had to write about it even though it will get late and I have office tomorrow. :)